“My heart swings back and forth between the need for routine and the urge to run.”
As it is widely known, my career as a Flight Attendant has taken me places that I never dreamed I would have the chance to go. I’ve fallen in love every time I stepped into a new city, and never lose the lingering desire to discover more when I leave. Choosing this career has been the best decision I ever made. But like with all choices for something, I had to push away something else.
Regularity. It’s something I never put much emphasis on, especially during schooling, because classes created it for me. I really didn’t ever think that I would desire more of a routine, because I always claimed to not be a “Monday through Friday 9-5” person. I craved a lack of consistency, and the chance to take on something new every day.
So I did it. I chased after the life I dreamed about. I traveled to new countries and took advantage of the job perks, all the while making time to always visit home. Like the crazy planner I am, I realized in May this year I had already planned my entire summer. Every day that I have been off work for the past 3 months was completely predetermined. I would return from work exhausted and jet lagged, only to immediately hop on a flight to attend a friend’s wedding, go see a show, or simply spend time with the ones I love most.
This summer has been one of the most tiring and rewarding times of my life. I really believe I’ve made every ounce of this summer count, and created as many memories as could be packed into 90 days. I am so grateful for it all.
I’m also perpetually exhausted. I claim that I’m never more than 75% awake at any given time, and I mean it. Right now I’m actually 30,000 feet in the air deadheading (being relocated for work as a passenger – and getting paid!) from Las Vegas to Denver. I woke up in New Jersey, and will have traveled over 3,000 miles before sunset. I also have an actual cold that’s developed wholly because of how much I’ve worn myself out… All I’ve thought about all day is crawling into bed.
This lifestyle makes things a bit difficult. I’ve become hard to date, make plans and generally keep up with. Simple things like finding the time (and energy) to work out or grocery shop have become impossible challenges. The nature of my job (and carpe diem personality) keeps me from having any time to rest. Hence, the exhaustion lives on. For the first time in my life, I’m craving consistency and wanting time to be alone.
Maybe you’re on the opposite side of the spectrum, wishing and hoping to break away from your routine. Or maybe you bounce between the two, unable to find the wholeness you’re searching for. I am realizing now more than ever how important it is that we have both in our lives. Extroverts may need human contact more than others, but they can never surpass the rest it is to sit in complete silence. We all need a little bit of everything from time to time.
So yea, I’ve admittedly entered an open battle in finding my happy medium. I won’t waste any time however regretting the decisions I’ve already made, because they’ve brought me here. I was born to run, and I will never stop wanting it all. So I encourage you that feel stuck to start running, which ever direction your heart may lead. Be young, be bold, be tired and unapologetic in pursuing the life you dream. Start believing you are capable of a bigger life, then go out and get one. We may always struggle to find that medium, but we will always be happy. Besides, I would rather find someone willing to work to hit a moving target than waste any time standing still. 😉
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