*sigh* yes it’s true. I’m not making it home for Christmas this year.
With a flight attendant career (and not much seniority to boot), it shouldn’t come as a surprise that at some point I wouldn’t make it home. I’m reaching levels of adulthood where people my age are buying houses and having a second child… I should be able handle being away for a holiday, right!?
In theory, yes.
I know what you’re thinking. This is the part where I’m going to go on and on about missing my family and all our holiday traditions…
You’re right, I will miss that. But that’s not why I brought you here.
As the holiday draws closer, I realize what I’m missing most of all…
Let me explain. I’ve been living away for a few years now, and if I’m being completely honest, it really hasn’t been that hard. Sure, there have been times I’ve gotten a little homesick, but it was never in a way that regretted moving in the first place. I’ve got a wandering heart and an ever-expanding to do list after all, change is nature.
Be that as it may, there is a moment I do always get emotional. It’s not when I miss a birthday or talk to a sibling on the phone though… it’s when my flight takes off after I visit. Every time I sit alone at the window seat watching my home get smaller and smaller, I practically burst.
I always wrote this off as a private release, because of the deep love I have for that place. However, being away for the first time during the holidays, I’ve found that the same feeling has found me here.
It’s bigger than anything I can tangibly describe… It’s in the cup of coffee my dad makes me every morning. It’s in the tears that well up in my mother’s eyes when she talks about how much she loves me. It’s living in the time and place that these things all seemed normal (even annoying) to me. It’s in remembering who I was then and how I had no idea what I was capable of. It’s in familiarity, the knowing and being known.
Like taking off in a plane, I find that this comfort is what I most struggle with leaving behind.
But here’s where things get interesting (and far less sad, I’ve been bringing you down long enough). All this time my heart has been aching for something that I thought I had lost. Somehow I convinced myself in order to feel that comfort, I had to exist again in that time and place… and without fast advances in time travel, I would always be stuck aching for something I had let slip through my fingers.
WRONG. This warm feeling I’ve referred to as ‘comfort’ didn’t magically appear out of thin air! Where did I get that idea!? It was created long ago with the love of my family, festered and held onto tightly throughout my whole life.
Who am I to think I hold power to break that apart? Even better, who am I to think I’m not powerful enough to house that feeling where ever I go?
I am always made up of where I came from more than my surroundings. Leaving home didn’t force me to sacrifice myself, it gave me a chance to find a bit more.
So if you happen to not be home for Christmas this year, don’t get down. Chances are you’ve got some big dreams you’re working on, ones that were created, yes, in the comfort of your own home. That’s the gift it gives us, and will continue to do so if you carry it with you.
Happy holidays everyone.x
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3 thoughts on “Not Home for the Holidays”
I love this so much, and you even more!
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I love you and will miss you terribly,, but you carry my love for you your whole life in your heart. We love you so much!!
I love you so much mom!!